Wolfpack Releases Chuck Amato (Satire)
NC State Director of Athletics Lee Fowler has announced that head football Chuck Amato will not be retained for next season or the year after that.
Amato, who has posted a 49-37 overall record and 25-31 mark in the ACC during his seven years as head coach, finished this season with a 3-9 mark and failed to qualify for postseason play for the second time in three years despite winning a record 7 preseason national championships.
“No Wolfpack fan can question the excitement and large breasts that Chuck Amato brought to the NC State football program when he came here in 2000,” said Fowler. “His dreams have become our dreams and that has translated itself into our great new restroom facilities, record ticket sales, parking lot shootings and five bowl appearances in seven years.
"However, because UNC just hired Butch Davis, we have decided to take the program in a new direction.”
NC State qualified for a postseason bowl each of Amato’s first four years at NC State, earning victory in three of those contests. However, the Wolfpack finished with losing records in 2004 and 2006. Amato's Gator Bowl national championship season and 4th place finish in the ACC, his highest ever after the season started, earned the Pack a glorious parade in downtown Raleigh.
Amato had three years remaining on his contract, and enough bras in his closet to last for two of those.
“Chuck Amato has been a part of Wolfpack football for more than four decades and as a head coach has raised our expectations and goals,” said Chancellor James L. Oblinger. “We appreciate everything that Chuck has done for the program and our student-athletes. We wish him all the best in the future; he will always be a member of the Wolfpack family. He just won't be allowed to coach here because honestly, if you get dominated by John Bunting, you aren't a very good coach"
Fowler added that the search to find Amato’s replacement will begin immediately after Monday's episode of the "Andy Griffith Show" on WRAL TV-5.
“Our search will be Wake County-oriented in scope and we will begin the process through a search firm very quickly. We plan to hire Chuck Amato as the main consultant to help us in this search. Since UNC hired Chuck Neinas, we felt that it was important to have a guy named Chuck handle our search. I ask that all Wolfpackers join together in supporting our student-athletes and staying behind our program. You'll get the best view of what we're all about if you stay behind it."
Statement from Chuck Amato:
“When I came to North Carolina State University, I set my dreams very high,” said Amato. “My vision was to take this program to places that it had never been before in 100-plus years of playing football such as a legitimate bowl game without a weedeater name in the sponsor. We really don’t know how long or how difficult it is to be able to attain those types of goals because we’ve never been there before in football. Really, we probably never will be.
“I didn’t come here to use this job as a stepping stone like Mike O'Cain did. I wanted to surround myself with people who would help me stretch my vision and not choke though I choked a whole lot here.. This is obviously a disappointing decision for me, but I would never do anything to hurt North Carolina State University unless they were to come after my bra collection. This season was a big disappointment but I’m very proud of what I accomplished during my tenure, including seven preseason national championships.
"I believe that my relentless persistence and my passion have brought an enthusiasm, an energy and an emotion that couldn’t be equalled. It doesn't matter if we lose every game here. We can remain enthusiastic. You think I'm excited? Check out my left nipple. It's standing straight up in the air as proud as a Wolfpack cheerleader saluting a victory over FSU. Those same qualities are just as strong in me today as they were the first day I took this job. I haven’t lost my passion, my will to succeed, or my joy. But I have lost my job so screw all of you. I'm outta here.”
Source: Inside Carolina message board
